I've had chronic middle-ear infections since I was born. I had tubes put in my ears when I was 10 months old, and while the left one fell out naturally when I grew older (as it's supposed to), the right one stayed. I had it surgically removed when I was 5, but the hole remained. I had it surgically patched when I was 8, but that reopened. :) I've had rubbing alcohol/white vinegar mixtures poured onto my raw scar tissue three times a day for months, been on antibiotics for three years straight at one point, been to countless doctors' visits, been poked to the point of profuse bleeding by various physicians (mostly Taiwanese - they're not known for their gentleness or care! :D), and shed billions of tears over this stupid ear. I've been told that it's my fault for sinning, prayed over and prophesied over for it, and basically, arrived at a point of live-and-let-live with this ear - I don't take it to the doctor, and it doesn't get much worse or better. ;)
Now I'm sitting here with a nice Band-aid over the top of my right boob, 'cuz there's a big hole under that, which came about when we had to poke around inside to look for something wrong as well. ^_^ Familiar, anyone?
...I am so glad that I'm left-handed. My right side is obviously my worse side. Haha.
I have to run to a missions team thingamajig, but I'll be back to blog less facetiously (no promises) about the hospital visit later.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Amazon fighting
I'm such a cheese, I know, ^_^ but I wouldn't be Kat without a little morbid humor. I was thinking about boobs today and what life would be like if the second-to-worst-thing were to happen.
...I then realized that I would just pretty much be an Amazon (even down to the correct side). Which would be, like, totally rad.
Amazons had their right breast cut off or burnt out, so they would be able to use a bow more freely and throw spears without the physical limitation and obstruction.
I mean, honestly, I like buying normal bras and stuff, but think!! An Amazon!! I bet Amazons MAKE their own bras. ...From scratch. ...Using fresh anaconda skin.
...But don't interpret this as a particular interest in pursuing archery as a career, now. :P That would be a teedle bit silly. I would be reminded of this quote:
There is no need to be worried by facetious people who try to make the Christian hope of "Heaven" ridiculous by saying that they do not want "to spend eternity playing harps." The answer to such people is that if they cannot understand books written for grown-ups, they should not talk about them. ... People who take these symbols literally might as well think that when Christ told us to be like doves, He meant that we were to lay eggs.
Facetiousness aside, I realized today that [incredibly smarmy Christian and corny as this sounds] well... At various times this year :P and throughout my life I have said I wanted to find God. I said that I wanted to experience faith. I wanted to live a life that mattered. Ummmm... God jolly well answers prayers. And maybe I want to back out a little bit, but at this moment where I seemingly have control of nothing else (except maybe an earlier bedtime), this "trusting God" business seems like a challenge I'll tiptoe into for now. Watch me come screaming out of the cave later on with a billion blood-sucking bats in my hair, but for now, the cool darkness is a little tiny bit appealing to the adventure-seeker in me. I got a little too comfortable in college, anyway. Time to work off those extra pounds.
I wanted to say "Thank you" for all the encouraging messages I got today. I was surprised by how ... nice it was to hear kind words, coming from someone so arrogantly independent I'd rather just take a knife and hack out my own abnormalities and move on to the next thing. Sure, it's a tiny bit irksome to say the same things over and over again to people when I'd really rather just lapse back into forgetfulness like I usually do. I get annoyed a little bit when people want to pray over me (not sure why...?) and with me. But it's good public prayer-time training, at the very least. I'm getting a lot of practice in. :|
...Dude, I sound smarmier and more spiritual by the second, but it's true and once again, in the interest of reality, I still must say what actually happens! Heh. But anyway, timing has been a real surprise to me over and over again in the last few days. For instance, if I hadn't started reading all this Christian literature and memorizing so much Bible of late, I would never have the internal ...strength? Fortitude? Random memories that come to mind of passages I liked? For instance, I really like Jesus's Last Supper soliloquy, so I've been memorizing it, starting from John 14. Bam, verse 1:
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
It's not like I'm a big fan of perfect quotes or anything. :P
Today was my turn to share during the OMF prayer meeting. There are a bunch of us leaving right around the Christmas season and this is the last time we'll all be together before then, so Chris had given me a heads-up last week. Another good sign of perfect timing, I guess, but there were a lot of people present to pray for me - a new Serve Asia team from Australia, most of the Taipei missionaries I've met while here, random people who are here visiting in between terms. I made a flippant comparison last week about how "Talking to missionaries about my spiritual doubts is about as embarrassing as consulting the entire emergency room team about my acne." And while that's still sort of true, I've found the doctors to be very kind anyway. :P Before I even told anyone anything about it, Chris happened to share that his wife Emily had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer a few months after their marriage. For some reason, that was heartwarming to hear at the moment. (Does this make me heartless? Haha) Break came immediately after, and Emily herself came to chat with me for a few seconds. Because I knew about what had happened with her, she was the first person I told. It makes a difference, I guess, knowing.
...I still don't plan to label myself anything if I can, though. Goodness knows I carry enough labels already. :P
When it came to my turn to share about my life, I tried to prioritize a little bit about what I wanted to say beforehand. I wrote, in bullet points, that I wanted to explain a little bit of my upbringing and background and why I was in this situation of searching today; that I was looking for direction in life, mostly from the perspective of getting straight with God; and then talking about the health complication that had occurred to hiccup that search. I was rather intensely annoyed at myself for choking up a little bit toward the end. Don't say it's normal! It's not Kat-normal! I pride myself on my composure! Lol, I sort of just said, "Sorry, I guess I haven't felt like this until now!" and sorta slurped down a snot-tear. :| They were gracious enough to take over from there and start prayer time. ;p I don't like being cuddled when my equanimity is upset, but after I got over my personal bitchy moment, it was nice to be cared for. (There will no doubt be billions of these sorts of moments in days to come)
...And that was when I realized for about the 50,000,000th time since yesterday afternoon that my life is still all about me being in control. Even with this God thing, I want it to be in my time on my terms. I guess this potential cancering business precludes that, and it's a good reminder. :P There've been times in my life when people have said really harsh things to me that completely devastated me, but after I picked up the pieces of myself I realized that huh, whether or not they meant it in love, they usually hit something negative about myself nail-on-the-head. It seems like I've progressed to God-hammering, which ... isn't exciting, but is at the very least, improvement, maybe? XD Who knows?
I've been thinking a lot about Thirteen from the TV show House of late, even before this incident. For those of you who don't know, [potential spoiler alert] she's one of House's new doctors who has Huntington's disease. It's a genetic, nerve-damaging disease that will kill her in 8-10 years. This past season has seen her dealing with the realization in various ways - trying drugs, one-night stands and even attempted martyrdom in an attempt to cheat death and beat it at its own game, as House pointed out. It's all about control.
Cindy asked me tonight: What is my dream? Uhh... psh, I was hoping that I'd know when I "grew up," but someone has some growing to do. (If you know me in person, you'll know I'm a few inches shy of supermodel. Hah!) When I was a kid, I was really afraid that the Rapture would happen before I got a chance to get married. Hahaha. A few weeks ago, I posted a rather cynical, older version of that wish/fear. Mmm, now, I donno. I'd still say that I want my life to matter, to mean something. I have my own notions of how to accomplish that - I spam you guys every day - but I think the last few days have shown me that maybe it's to be done other ways. And even if not the way I kind of dread right now, it's not to be done exactly my way.
It's hard to let go of the idea of life right when I'm learning to love it the most. For some ridiculously stupid, yet immovably firm reason, I wanted to see this year what the world had to offer. This is kind of a dangerous game, 'cuz life is beautiful, especially the sparkliest aspects of it.
The worst part of this by far is going to be leaving my friends behind. I'm not really talking about death and floating away in my fluffy feathers and halo (sorry, C.S. Lewis)... more about how I guess we're going to be parting ways soon. It's hard to want to look at God when I feel like my friends need my love and support (totally arrogant as that sounds, I know). I want to be there for them and make it all better. And underneath all this yearning, I have this niggling feeling that turning to God means saying goodbye to them on a lot of levels. Oh, sure, I'll still see them and still love them. But we're going to drift apart, because we want different things in life. Far be it from me to say that I'm sad 'cuz I think they're wrong and I'm right. Hell, no, I can't even tell if I'm walking down the right Taipei alley half the time. How could I be so arrogant as to presume what's going on in their lives? Let's just leave it at pure selfishness: I don't want them to go right when they could go left and keep me company. :P
You know, at 3 a.m., biopsy tomorrow, potential death knoll tolling (hahaha), all I can think about is how much I love my friends. Is that a little weird? It's so corny, but I would die for them. Instead, I just get to leave them. Even if I get better or if nothing's wrong. It's like the part in Prince Caspian where Aslan calls to Lucy and she stays back because she can't persuade the others to go with her. When she finally finds him, she said, "Aslan, I couldn't prove to them that you were really there." He just asked her, "So why didn't you come alone?"
I don't think I could handle tawny reproachful lion eyes myself, but... yeah, this thought brings me closer to tears than my emergency acne consult did.
...I then realized that I would just pretty much be an Amazon (even down to the correct side). Which would be, like, totally rad.
Amazons had their right breast cut off or burnt out, so they would be able to use a bow more freely and throw spears without the physical limitation and obstruction.
I mean, honestly, I like buying normal bras and stuff, but think!! An Amazon!! I bet Amazons MAKE their own bras. ...From scratch. ...Using fresh anaconda skin.
...But don't interpret this as a particular interest in pursuing archery as a career, now. :P That would be a teedle bit silly. I would be reminded of this quote:
There is no need to be worried by facetious people who try to make the Christian hope of "Heaven" ridiculous by saying that they do not want "to spend eternity playing harps." The answer to such people is that if they cannot understand books written for grown-ups, they should not talk about them. ... People who take these symbols literally might as well think that when Christ told us to be like doves, He meant that we were to lay eggs.
--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Facetiousness aside, I realized today that [incredibly smarmy Christian and corny as this sounds] well... At various times this year :P and throughout my life I have said I wanted to find God. I said that I wanted to experience faith. I wanted to live a life that mattered. Ummmm... God jolly well answers prayers. And maybe I want to back out a little bit, but at this moment where I seemingly have control of nothing else (except maybe an earlier bedtime), this "trusting God" business seems like a challenge I'll tiptoe into for now. Watch me come screaming out of the cave later on with a billion blood-sucking bats in my hair, but for now, the cool darkness is a little tiny bit appealing to the adventure-seeker in me. I got a little too comfortable in college, anyway. Time to work off those extra pounds.
I wanted to say "Thank you" for all the encouraging messages I got today. I was surprised by how ... nice it was to hear kind words, coming from someone so arrogantly independent I'd rather just take a knife and hack out my own abnormalities and move on to the next thing. Sure, it's a tiny bit irksome to say the same things over and over again to people when I'd really rather just lapse back into forgetfulness like I usually do. I get annoyed a little bit when people want to pray over me (not sure why...?) and with me. But it's good public prayer-time training, at the very least. I'm getting a lot of practice in. :|
...Dude, I sound smarmier and more spiritual by the second, but it's true and once again, in the interest of reality, I still must say what actually happens! Heh. But anyway, timing has been a real surprise to me over and over again in the last few days. For instance, if I hadn't started reading all this Christian literature and memorizing so much Bible of late, I would never have the internal ...strength? Fortitude? Random memories that come to mind of passages I liked? For instance, I really like Jesus's Last Supper soliloquy, so I've been memorizing it, starting from John 14. Bam, verse 1:
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
It's not like I'm a big fan of perfect quotes or anything. :P
Today was my turn to share during the OMF prayer meeting. There are a bunch of us leaving right around the Christmas season and this is the last time we'll all be together before then, so Chris had given me a heads-up last week. Another good sign of perfect timing, I guess, but there were a lot of people present to pray for me - a new Serve Asia team from Australia, most of the Taipei missionaries I've met while here, random people who are here visiting in between terms. I made a flippant comparison last week about how "Talking to missionaries about my spiritual doubts is about as embarrassing as consulting the entire emergency room team about my acne." And while that's still sort of true, I've found the doctors to be very kind anyway. :P Before I even told anyone anything about it, Chris happened to share that his wife Emily had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer a few months after their marriage. For some reason, that was heartwarming to hear at the moment. (Does this make me heartless? Haha) Break came immediately after, and Emily herself came to chat with me for a few seconds. Because I knew about what had happened with her, she was the first person I told. It makes a difference, I guess, knowing.
...I still don't plan to label myself anything if I can, though. Goodness knows I carry enough labels already. :P
When it came to my turn to share about my life, I tried to prioritize a little bit about what I wanted to say beforehand. I wrote, in bullet points, that I wanted to explain a little bit of my upbringing and background and why I was in this situation of searching today; that I was looking for direction in life, mostly from the perspective of getting straight with God; and then talking about the health complication that had occurred to hiccup that search. I was rather intensely annoyed at myself for choking up a little bit toward the end. Don't say it's normal! It's not Kat-normal! I pride myself on my composure! Lol, I sort of just said, "Sorry, I guess I haven't felt like this until now!" and sorta slurped down a snot-tear. :| They were gracious enough to take over from there and start prayer time. ;p I don't like being cuddled when my equanimity is upset, but after I got over my personal bitchy moment, it was nice to be cared for. (There will no doubt be billions of these sorts of moments in days to come)
...And that was when I realized for about the 50,000,000th time since yesterday afternoon that my life is still all about me being in control. Even with this God thing, I want it to be in my time on my terms. I guess this potential cancering business precludes that, and it's a good reminder. :P There've been times in my life when people have said really harsh things to me that completely devastated me, but after I picked up the pieces of myself I realized that huh, whether or not they meant it in love, they usually hit something negative about myself nail-on-the-head. It seems like I've progressed to God-hammering, which ... isn't exciting, but is at the very least, improvement, maybe? XD Who knows?
I've been thinking a lot about Thirteen from the TV show House of late, even before this incident. For those of you who don't know, [potential spoiler alert] she's one of House's new doctors who has Huntington's disease. It's a genetic, nerve-damaging disease that will kill her in 8-10 years. This past season has seen her dealing with the realization in various ways - trying drugs, one-night stands and even attempted martyrdom in an attempt to cheat death and beat it at its own game, as House pointed out. It's all about control.
Cindy asked me tonight: What is my dream? Uhh... psh, I was hoping that I'd know when I "grew up," but someone has some growing to do. (If you know me in person, you'll know I'm a few inches shy of supermodel. Hah!) When I was a kid, I was really afraid that the Rapture would happen before I got a chance to get married. Hahaha. A few weeks ago, I posted a rather cynical, older version of that wish/fear. Mmm, now, I donno. I'd still say that I want my life to matter, to mean something. I have my own notions of how to accomplish that - I spam you guys every day - but I think the last few days have shown me that maybe it's to be done other ways. And even if not the way I kind of dread right now, it's not to be done exactly my way.
It's hard to let go of the idea of life right when I'm learning to love it the most. For some ridiculously stupid, yet immovably firm reason, I wanted to see this year what the world had to offer. This is kind of a dangerous game, 'cuz life is beautiful, especially the sparkliest aspects of it.
The worst part of this by far is going to be leaving my friends behind. I'm not really talking about death and floating away in my fluffy feathers and halo (sorry, C.S. Lewis)... more about how I guess we're going to be parting ways soon. It's hard to want to look at God when I feel like my friends need my love and support (totally arrogant as that sounds, I know). I want to be there for them and make it all better. And underneath all this yearning, I have this niggling feeling that turning to God means saying goodbye to them on a lot of levels. Oh, sure, I'll still see them and still love them. But we're going to drift apart, because we want different things in life. Far be it from me to say that I'm sad 'cuz I think they're wrong and I'm right. Hell, no, I can't even tell if I'm walking down the right Taipei alley half the time. How could I be so arrogant as to presume what's going on in their lives? Let's just leave it at pure selfishness: I don't want them to go right when they could go left and keep me company. :P
You know, at 3 a.m., biopsy tomorrow, potential death knoll tolling (hahaha), all I can think about is how much I love my friends. Is that a little weird? It's so corny, but I would die for them. Instead, I just get to leave them. Even if I get better or if nothing's wrong. It's like the part in Prince Caspian where Aslan calls to Lucy and she stays back because she can't persuade the others to go with her. When she finally finds him, she said, "Aslan, I couldn't prove to them that you were really there." He just asked her, "So why didn't you come alone?"
I don't think I could handle tawny reproachful lion eyes myself, but... yeah, this thought brings me closer to tears than my emergency acne consult did.
In which I piss and moan like an ingrate :P
You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby, all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is
Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey, I'm just scared
That we may fall through
Nelly Furtado | I'm Like A Bird
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby, all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is
Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true
It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey, I'm just scared
That we may fall through
Nelly Furtado | I'm Like A Bird
12/2/2008 2:30 p.m. en route to Taipei, Taiwan
Hm, I don't know what I want to say.
Well, I guess I could start from explaining. :P This past summer when I was in Taiwan, my parents set up a physical exam for both Benj and myself. At the time, the [really young] doctor goes, "Oh, there's this lump in your right breast and you should go get it checked out." I don't like talking about boobs in health terms, so from henceforth, they're "boobs." So yeah, I was mad and didn't want to think/talk about it, esp after I told my mom and then my entire family made it a big deal and they sort of all did the "look in my face to see how I'm taking it." Heck, I don't know how I'm taking it either; stop asking me for a response, please. It makes me cranky." I really hate that I react to stuff like that, but I honestly can't stand being coddled when I'm trying to process something negative.
Anyway, I had a sonogram/exam done this past month when I came back, and have been waiting on the results. They said that if we didn't get any news within two weeks, it should be a good thing - we'd just get the results reported via mail and all would be fine and dandy and I'd go back to my usual rambling nonsensical posts about really insignificant things like "zomg this mascara makes my eyelashes clumpy." Goody, right?
Ahh, no, goody for me goes another way. During the exam, they said they found another lump/cyst/thing, this one deeper in and a little more hazy in outline (i.e. not good). And then today they called during a [delicious hot pot] lunch and said there's something like a 1.4 cm tumor and they want me to come in for a biopsy on Thursday afternoon.
If anyone's a poster child for cancer, it would be me - or well, maybe my mom, since she lost both parents to it - but I also win the genetic lottery 'cuz my dad's sister died of breast cancer, the uncle I live with right now had intestinal cancer as a young man and my cousin apparently has cysts too. I really just want to say "stupid genetics, stupid everything." I know this is very immature, but hey, I think I'm generally pretty honest about my overall lack of maturity.
I hold back on language for my mom's sake. But I believe language was created to express something, and well, if I use bad language, it's not so much an evil thing in and of itself as it is indicative that there are bad and evil things inside of me. (I mean, medically speaking, we now have proof, too! ^_^) But yeah, if I could, I feel like I would enjoy cussing and throwing a handful of confetti somewhere and then leaving it for other people to clean up. As it is, I just blab here and throw a bunch of words around. :P
I'd like to crawl back into my happy hole of ignorance and pretend I never checked anything. I want to do what I want to do and screw the rest. I sound a little angrier than I am, probably. I'm not really sure what I am... I kind of just want to cry in someone's arms, go to sleep, and find out it was just a bad dream. Then again, I don't really want pity. I think that would smother me and irritate me more than anything else at the moment. I just want to be left alone to muddle around doing my own thing. Selfish much?
So that brings me to the question of why I'm writing this, probably. Most likely I'm just a big attention whore, but I can only anticipate two kinds of responses to this: "I' so sorry" and "I'll pray for you." I don't really want either of those right now, so sorry. :P Well, it's maybe not true - I want the prayers, but I'm too proud to ask for them. I know people will do it anyway, and maybe that's what it is... I'm just being a bratty kid who kicks around and pouts when someone tries to cuddle her after a fight, but secretly revels in the embrace. But in the interest of being real - and I think I'm very interested in reality - I'll be honest, even about the things I want to hoard for myself.
I'm frustrated and I don't know where to direct it. On the one hand, I think it would seem fitting to say, "In your face, God!" after "trying so hard to make things right" and be okay with where I was in life before and improve it and all that good stuff. Like, "This is how you repay me?" But I mean, I did my reading and I'm pretty convinced it's not a game of bargaining, where I do certain karmic good deeds and voila, I'm cancer-free and all that good stuff forever. So... I can't blame God, I can't really blame me... because honestly, I know people who eat much worse and sleep much later ^_^ and drink and smoke and do drugs!! And sleep around!! J/k. Let's put it this way: I could blame myself, but I choose not to because that's stupid. I can't blame anyone! But I want to. Being angry is so much easier than being upset or being sad or being worried or being whatever else that's on the Cartesian plane of negative emotions. Yeah, anger is easier.
It's a very annoying sensation, this feeling of knowing that "impending doom" is looming. It reminds me of the immediate post-break-up or early-grief feeling where you'll randomly forget for split seconds about the message that's flashing in your head in huge neon letters. These two men were asking me something about the high-speed rail tickets just now when I was waiting for the train to Taipei; it wasn't until they walked off toward their seats that I remembered what was going on, and instantly got annoyed for my brief moment's respite and then the immediate remembrance of stupidity.
So sorry, I'm nowhere near angelic enough to be all "God knows best" at this moment. Really, I'm sure he does. I sincerely hope he does, because the world would suck even more if random things happened for no apparent reason. And realizing that there are other purposes in this world beside my happiness being the ultimate goal makes me more okay with ... whatever might happen. But I just want to rant. I almost feel, in one small detached part of me, that this blog journey will get really interesting... Like "Kat's Flirtations with Death and Thoughts Thereof" or something. But well, page 1 starts off sort of ranty. I'd apologize, but I don't feel like I owe anyone anything right now either. Meh, I just want to be a drama queen attention whore (and I am, I know). I really will be fine in a little bit, I think. Beneath all the bitchy, I honestly do trust God. I'm surprised to find it out myself. But I still want to indulge in a complaint pity party for a few seconds. :P
But then, I don't really want other people in on this pity party. I don't want to hear anything about it from people. I don't want pity and comfort words and awkward silence. I just want people to treat me like before. I don't want to be a scarlet letter. I don't want to be the elephant in the room. Dude, I'm just Kat. Maybe dead soon XD, but just Kat!!
Really, I'm probably going to be fine. I'm probably going to end up getting a biopsy, have it turn out benign, have them give me strict injunctions to behave myself (basically, less of everything I like, more of the things that are nasty), and my mom will probably give me random helpful updates about the newest health product that will help. I'll be put on a rigid sleep schedule, forced to eat those yummy juiced ...roots and things, and... you know. Basically make me wonder why I bother surviving when life is so flavorless and boring. ^_^ All the same, at this moment I feel resentful even of a positive report, because I'm sorry, I don't feel like I "deserve" to even have a mistaken death sentence, maybe. Why me? Sorry, so much for being willing to die for someone else... somebody else can have cancer and I'll happily come bring them soup or something, is that an acceptable alternative?
... :P I see why I get to "learn this lesson." Man, I'm a jerk. :P
Well, but since I'm a Puddleglum when it comes to life... I'm going to manifest my pessimism by saying that I'm pretty sure the statistics point toward me being the next "Tag, you're out" victim of cancer, my fatalism by saying that "There's no way I'd survive it - even if now, not later," my arrogance by saying that "I deserve better," and then finally, my typical way of dealing with frustration... facetiousness: At least I'm already okay with being bald. Haha.
Sorry, God, I feel better now. It's okay. Do whatever you want with me. I said I'd give you my life, anyway. Sigh. I feel like I'd be more useful here, but okay. :P
4:30 p.m.
You know, I feel surprisingly much better. Thus is the amazing power of getting the bad stuff out.
On the way to the train station, Mom and I were kind of quiet, speaking in English whenever we wanted to talk about this so as not to worry my grandmother, who went out to lunch with us. (I told you I needed to learn new languages) I was supposed to wait two weeks after the exam, and if I got no phone call or anything, it probably meant that I would be okay. So in the car, she said, "I thought we were past two weeks?" I sighed and said, "Yeah, I thought so too."
Two weeks. Two years. A lifetime. What's that to God? Oh well. I have a horror of religious cant, but I am 100% sincere when I say that Psalm 91 is kind of amazing right now.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.
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