...I then realized that I would just pretty much be an Amazon (even down to the correct side). Which would be, like, totally rad.
Amazons had their right breast cut off or burnt out, so they would be able to use a bow more freely and throw spears without the physical limitation and obstruction.
I mean, honestly, I like buying normal bras and stuff, but think!! An Amazon!! I bet Amazons MAKE their own bras. ...From scratch. ...Using fresh anaconda skin.
...But don't interpret this as a particular interest in pursuing archery as a career, now. :P That would be a teedle bit silly. I would be reminded of this quote:
There is no need to be worried by facetious people who try to make the Christian hope of "Heaven" ridiculous by saying that they do not want "to spend eternity playing harps." The answer to such people is that if they cannot understand books written for grown-ups, they should not talk about them. ... People who take these symbols literally might as well think that when Christ told us to be like doves, He meant that we were to lay eggs.
--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Facetiousness aside, I realized today that [incredibly smarmy Christian and corny as this sounds] well... At various times this year :P and throughout my life I have said I wanted to find God. I said that I wanted to experience faith. I wanted to live a life that mattered. Ummmm... God jolly well answers prayers. And maybe I want to back out a little bit, but at this moment where I seemingly have control of nothing else (except maybe an earlier bedtime), this "trusting God" business seems like a challenge I'll tiptoe into for now. Watch me come screaming out of the cave later on with a billion blood-sucking bats in my hair, but for now, the cool darkness is a little tiny bit appealing to the adventure-seeker in me. I got a little too comfortable in college, anyway. Time to work off those extra pounds.
I wanted to say "Thank you" for all the encouraging messages I got today. I was surprised by how ... nice it was to hear kind words, coming from someone so arrogantly independent I'd rather just take a knife and hack out my own abnormalities and move on to the next thing. Sure, it's a tiny bit irksome to say the same things over and over again to people when I'd really rather just lapse back into forgetfulness like I usually do. I get annoyed a little bit when people want to pray over me (not sure why...?) and with me. But it's good public prayer-time training, at the very least. I'm getting a lot of practice in. :|
...Dude, I sound smarmier and more spiritual by the second, but it's true and once again, in the interest of reality, I still must say what actually happens! Heh. But anyway, timing has been a real surprise to me over and over again in the last few days. For instance, if I hadn't started reading all this Christian literature and memorizing so much Bible of late, I would never have the internal ...strength? Fortitude? Random memories that come to mind of passages I liked? For instance, I really like Jesus's Last Supper soliloquy, so I've been memorizing it, starting from John 14. Bam, verse 1:
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
It's not like I'm a big fan of perfect quotes or anything. :P
Today was my turn to share during the OMF prayer meeting. There are a bunch of us leaving right around the Christmas season and this is the last time we'll all be together before then, so Chris had given me a heads-up last week. Another good sign of perfect timing, I guess, but there were a lot of people present to pray for me - a new Serve Asia team from Australia, most of the Taipei missionaries I've met while here, random people who are here visiting in between terms. I made a flippant comparison last week about how "Talking to missionaries about my spiritual doubts is about as embarrassing as consulting the entire emergency room team about my acne." And while that's still sort of true, I've found the doctors to be very kind anyway. :P Before I even told anyone anything about it, Chris happened to share that his wife Emily had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer a few months after their marriage. For some reason, that was heartwarming to hear at the moment. (Does this make me heartless? Haha) Break came immediately after, and Emily herself came to chat with me for a few seconds. Because I knew about what had happened with her, she was the first person I told. It makes a difference, I guess, knowing.
...I still don't plan to label myself anything if I can, though. Goodness knows I carry enough labels already. :P
When it came to my turn to share about my life, I tried to prioritize a little bit about what I wanted to say beforehand. I wrote, in bullet points, that I wanted to explain a little bit of my upbringing and background and why I was in this situation of searching today; that I was looking for direction in life, mostly from the perspective of getting straight with God; and then talking about the health complication that had occurred to hiccup that search. I was rather intensely annoyed at myself for choking up a little bit toward the end. Don't say it's normal! It's not Kat-normal! I pride myself on my composure! Lol, I sort of just said, "Sorry, I guess I haven't felt like this until now!" and sorta slurped down a snot-tear. :| They were gracious enough to take over from there and start prayer time. ;p I don't like being cuddled when my equanimity is upset, but after I got over my personal bitchy moment, it was nice to be cared for. (There will no doubt be billions of these sorts of moments in days to come)
...And that was when I realized for about the 50,000,000th time since yesterday afternoon that my life is still all about me being in control. Even with this God thing, I want it to be in my time on my terms. I guess this potential cancering business precludes that, and it's a good reminder. :P There've been times in my life when people have said really harsh things to me that completely devastated me, but after I picked up the pieces of myself I realized that huh, whether or not they meant it in love, they usually hit something negative about myself nail-on-the-head. It seems like I've progressed to God-hammering, which ... isn't exciting, but is at the very least, improvement, maybe? XD Who knows?
I've been thinking a lot about Thirteen from the TV show House of late, even before this incident. For those of you who don't know, [potential spoiler alert] she's one of House's new doctors who has Huntington's disease. It's a genetic, nerve-damaging disease that will kill her in 8-10 years. This past season has seen her dealing with the realization in various ways - trying drugs, one-night stands and even attempted martyrdom in an attempt to cheat death and beat it at its own game, as House pointed out. It's all about control.
Cindy asked me tonight: What is my dream? Uhh... psh, I was hoping that I'd know when I "grew up," but someone has some growing to do. (If you know me in person, you'll know I'm a few inches shy of supermodel. Hah!) When I was a kid, I was really afraid that the Rapture would happen before I got a chance to get married. Hahaha. A few weeks ago, I posted a rather cynical, older version of that wish/fear. Mmm, now, I donno. I'd still say that I want my life to matter, to mean something. I have my own notions of how to accomplish that - I spam you guys every day - but I think the last few days have shown me that maybe it's to be done other ways. And even if not the way I kind of dread right now, it's not to be done exactly my way.
It's hard to let go of the idea of life right when I'm learning to love it the most. For some ridiculously stupid, yet immovably firm reason, I wanted to see this year what the world had to offer. This is kind of a dangerous game, 'cuz life is beautiful, especially the sparkliest aspects of it.
The worst part of this by far is going to be leaving my friends behind. I'm not really talking about death and floating away in my fluffy feathers and halo (sorry, C.S. Lewis)... more about how I guess we're going to be parting ways soon. It's hard to want to look at God when I feel like my friends need my love and support (totally arrogant as that sounds, I know). I want to be there for them and make it all better. And underneath all this yearning, I have this niggling feeling that turning to God means saying goodbye to them on a lot of levels. Oh, sure, I'll still see them and still love them. But we're going to drift apart, because we want different things in life. Far be it from me to say that I'm sad 'cuz I think they're wrong and I'm right. Hell, no, I can't even tell if I'm walking down the right Taipei alley half the time. How could I be so arrogant as to presume what's going on in their lives? Let's just leave it at pure selfishness: I don't want them to go right when they could go left and keep me company. :P
You know, at 3 a.m., biopsy tomorrow, potential death knoll tolling (hahaha), all I can think about is how much I love my friends. Is that a little weird? It's so corny, but I would die for them. Instead, I just get to leave them. Even if I get better or if nothing's wrong. It's like the part in Prince Caspian where Aslan calls to Lucy and she stays back because she can't persuade the others to go with her. When she finally finds him, she said, "Aslan, I couldn't prove to them that you were really there." He just asked her, "So why didn't you come alone?"
I don't think I could handle tawny reproachful lion eyes myself, but... yeah, this thought brings me closer to tears than my emergency acne consult did.
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