In which I piss and moan like an ingrate :P

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby, all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey, I'm just scared
That we may fall through
Nelly Furtado | I'm Like A Bird

12/2/2008 2:30 p.m. en route to Taipei, Taiwan

Hm, I don't know what I want to say.

Well, I guess I could start from explaining. :P This past summer when I was in Taiwan, my parents set up a physical exam for both Benj and myself. At the time, the [really young] doctor goes, "Oh, there's this lump in your right breast and you should go get it checked out." I don't like talking about boobs in health terms, so from henceforth, they're "boobs." So yeah, I was mad and didn't want to think/talk about it, esp after I told my mom and then my entire family made it a big deal and they sort of all did the "look in my face to see how I'm taking it." Heck, I don't know how I'm taking it either; stop asking me for a response, please. It makes me cranky." I really hate that I react to stuff like that, but I honestly can't stand being coddled when I'm trying to process something negative.

Anyway, I had a sonogram/exam done this past month when I came back, and have been waiting on the results. They said that if we didn't get any news within two weeks, it should be a good thing - we'd just get the results reported via mail and all would be fine and dandy and I'd go back to my usual rambling nonsensical posts about really insignificant things like "zomg this mascara makes my eyelashes clumpy." Goody, right?

Ahh, no, goody for me goes another way. During the exam, they said they found another lump/cyst/thing, this one deeper in and a little more hazy in outline (i.e. not good). And then today they called during a [delicious hot pot] lunch and said there's something like a 1.4 cm tumor and they want me to come in for a biopsy on Thursday afternoon.

If anyone's a poster child for cancer, it would be me - or well, maybe my mom, since she lost both parents to it - but I also win the genetic lottery 'cuz my dad's sister died of breast cancer, the uncle I live with right now had intestinal cancer as a young man and my cousin apparently has cysts too. I really just want to say "stupid genetics, stupid everything." I know this is very immature, but hey, I think I'm generally pretty honest about my overall lack of maturity.

I hold back on language for my mom's sake. But I believe language was created to express something, and well, if I use bad language, it's not so much an evil thing in and of itself as it is indicative that there are bad and evil things inside of me. (I mean, medically speaking, we now have proof, too! ^_^) But yeah, if I could, I feel like I would enjoy cussing and throwing a handful of confetti somewhere and then leaving it for other people to clean up. As it is, I just blab here and throw a bunch of words around. :P

I'd like to crawl back into my happy hole of ignorance and pretend I never checked anything. I want to do what I want to do and screw the rest. I sound a little angrier than I am, probably. I'm not really sure what I am... I kind of just want to cry in someone's arms, go to sleep, and find out it was just a bad dream. Then again, I don't really want pity. I think that would smother me and irritate me more than anything else at the moment. I just want to be left alone to muddle around doing my own thing. Selfish much?

So that brings me to the question of why I'm writing this, probably. Most likely I'm just a big attention whore, but I can only anticipate two kinds of responses to this: "I' so sorry" and "I'll pray for you." I don't really want either of those right now, so sorry. :P Well, it's maybe not true - I want the prayers, but I'm too proud to ask for them. I know people will do it anyway, and maybe that's what it is... I'm just being a bratty kid who kicks around and pouts when someone tries to cuddle her after a fight, but secretly revels in the embrace. But in the interest of being real - and I think I'm very interested in reality - I'll be honest, even about the things I want to hoard for myself.

I'm frustrated and I don't know where to direct it. On the one hand, I think it would seem fitting to say, "In your face, God!" after "trying so hard to make things right" and be okay with where I was in life before and improve it and all that good stuff. Like, "This is how you repay me?" But I mean, I did my reading and I'm pretty convinced it's not a game of bargaining, where I do certain karmic good deeds and voila, I'm cancer-free and all that good stuff forever. So... I can't blame God, I can't really blame me... because honestly, I know people who eat much worse and sleep much later ^_^ and drink and smoke and do drugs!! And sleep around!! J/k. Let's put it this way: I could blame myself, but I choose not to because that's stupid. I can't blame anyone! But I want to. Being angry is so much easier than being upset or being sad or being worried or being whatever else that's on the Cartesian plane of negative emotions. Yeah, anger is easier.

It's a very annoying sensation, this feeling of knowing that "impending doom" is looming. It reminds me of the immediate post-break-up or early-grief feeling where you'll randomly forget for split seconds about the message that's flashing in your head in huge neon letters. These two men were asking me something about the high-speed rail tickets just now when I was waiting for the train to Taipei; it wasn't until they walked off toward their seats that I remembered what was going on, and instantly got annoyed for my brief moment's respite and then the immediate remembrance of stupidity.

So sorry, I'm nowhere near angelic enough to be all "God knows best" at this moment. Really, I'm sure he does. I sincerely hope he does, because the world would suck even more if random things happened for no apparent reason. And realizing that there are other purposes in this world beside my happiness being the ultimate goal makes me more okay with ... whatever might happen. But I just want to rant. I almost feel, in one small detached part of me, that this blog journey will get really interesting... Like "Kat's Flirtations with Death and Thoughts Thereof" or something. But well, page 1 starts off sort of ranty. I'd apologize, but I don't feel like I owe anyone anything right now either. Meh, I just want to be a drama queen attention whore (and I am, I know). I really will be fine in a little bit, I think. Beneath all the bitchy, I honestly do trust God. I'm surprised to find it out myself. But I still want to indulge in a complaint pity party for a few seconds. :P

But then, I don't really want other people in on this pity party. I don't want to hear anything about it from people. I don't want pity and comfort words and awkward silence. I just want people to treat me like before. I don't want to be a scarlet letter. I don't want to be the elephant in the room. Dude, I'm just Kat. Maybe dead soon XD, but just Kat!!

Really, I'm probably going to be fine. I'm probably going to end up getting a biopsy, have it turn out benign, have them give me strict injunctions to behave myself (basically, less of everything I like, more of the things that are nasty), and my mom will probably give me random helpful updates about the newest health product that will help. I'll be put on a rigid sleep schedule, forced to eat those yummy juiced ...roots and things, and... you know. Basically make me wonder why I bother surviving when life is so flavorless and boring. ^_^ All the same, at this moment I feel resentful even of a positive report, because I'm sorry, I don't feel like I "deserve" to even have a mistaken death sentence, maybe. Why me? Sorry, so much for being willing to die for someone else... somebody else can have cancer and I'll happily come bring them soup or something, is that an acceptable alternative?

... :P I see why I get to "learn this lesson." Man, I'm a jerk. :P

Well, but since I'm a Puddleglum when it comes to life... I'm going to manifest my pessimism by saying that I'm pretty sure the statistics point toward me being the next "Tag, you're out" victim of cancer, my fatalism by saying that "There's no way I'd survive it - even if now, not later," my arrogance by saying that "I deserve better," and then finally, my typical way of dealing with frustration... facetiousness: At least I'm already okay with being bald. Haha.

Sorry, God, I feel better now. It's okay. Do whatever you want with me. I said I'd give you my life, anyway. Sigh. I feel like I'd be more useful here, but okay. :P

4:30 p.m.

You know, I feel surprisingly much better. Thus is the amazing power of getting the bad stuff out.

On the way to the train station, Mom and I were kind of quiet, speaking in English whenever we wanted to talk about this so as not to worry my grandmother, who went out to lunch with us. (I told you I needed to learn new languages) I was supposed to wait two weeks after the exam, and if I got no phone call or anything, it probably meant that I would be okay. So in the car, she said, "I thought we were past two weeks?" I sighed and said, "Yeah, I thought so too."

Two weeks. Two years. A lifetime. What's that to God? Oh well. I have a horror of religious cant, but I am 100% sincere when I say that Psalm 91 is kind of amazing right now.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.

All that reading I did on Job earlier... kinda funny how it comes in handy, eh? I am a little annoyed that I don't have any "right" to complain, but it seems fair enough now.